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Retief

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Retief
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Retief
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A Science Fiction Comedy series by Keith Laumer which details the adventures of Jame Retief of the Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne (Exactly What It Says on the Tin). Retief must contend with and solve problems involving a wide variety of bizarre alien species, while outwitting the main rival of the Terrans, the five-eyed, vaguely insectoid Groaci—but his primary obstacle often seems to be the hidebound Vast Bureaucracy he works for. Retief is about the only person who ever gets anything useful done, and then usually only by bending and twisting the rules to their breaking point and beyond. His sidekick-like immediate superior, Ben Magnan, is the only one in the CDT who even seems to recognize Retief's ability to get results.The series consists of a large number of short stories and a few novels, and was inspired by Laumer's own experiences in the diplomatic corps in Burma, as well as the Cold War politics of the day.
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2023-03-24T05:42:27Z
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2023-03-24T05:42:27Z
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Dropped link to AlienArtsAreAppreciated: Not a Feature - ITEM
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DBTropes
 Retief / int_1049848f
type
Aliens Speaking English
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Aliens Speaking English: Quite common. Justified that the Terran diplomats either use translators, have studied the local language, or have given language educators to the local populace.
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 Retief / int_1161fb48
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Bizarre Alien Biology
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Bizarre Alien Biology: The series is full of this. The aliens are generally extremely bizarre, often in ways that only Retief is smart enough to recognize. An extreme case may be the organic robotoids in Retief's War who have interchangeable parts.
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Obstructive Bureaucrat
 Retief / int_1f799027
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Obstructive Bureaucrat: Everyone in the CDT except Retief and—sometimes—Magnan, plus the majority of the Groaci, and many others.
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Guile Hero
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Guile Hero: Retief.
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Initiation Ceremony
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Initiation Ceremony
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Defector from Decadence
 Retief / int_38f1a7ed
comment
Defector from Decadence: One of Retief's superiors is a Groaci.
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LEGO Body Parts
 Retief / int_4317e578
comment
LEGO Body Parts: in Retief's War, the biological robot natives of Quopp all have interchangeable body parts they can trade with or steal from each other.
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 Retief / int_434d893c
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Funny Foreigner
 Retief / int_434d893c
comment
Funny Foreigner: Runs both ways with the native aliens and the human diplomats. The aliens typically manage the Terran language and have some strange customs. The Terrans are often bewildered by these customs, and from the alien eyes humans are quite silly themselves.
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Xanatos Speed Chess
 Retief / int_447d9e50
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Xanatos Speed Chess: Retief's basic technique is to go to the hot spot of the current situation, find a trustworthy local to tell him what's really going on, and then plan out how he's going to win on the fly.
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 Retief / int_45de345c
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The Peter Principle
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The Peter Principle: The CDT is in a Peter's Spiral. Retief, however, will never reach his level of incompetence, since his superiors think he's already there.
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Retief / int_45de345c
 Retief / int_47e27ad3
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Pointless Civic Project
 Retief / int_47e27ad3
comment
Pointless Civic Project: Mentioned in "Dam Nuisance". A alien local asks Retief for CDT aid in repairing a roof. However, Retief notes that the Corps is prohibited from building anything useful - the CDT experts believe that it would cause the aliens to lose self-esteem as a result. However, our hero notes that the CDT is more than happy to construct something useless should the need arise. In another story, the CDT is more than willing to provide an agrarian world with all sorts of engineers and technical advisers, but is utterly appalled by the notion of providing them with what they actually need - manual laborers to help with the harvest.
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 Retief / int_49aa9584
type
Unified Naming System
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comment
Unified Naming System: The various government departments in Keith Laumer's series: "Manpower Untilization Department, Directorate of Libraries & Education", "Motorized Equipment Depot, Division of Loans & Exchanges", "Special Committee for the Reconstruction of Underdeveloped Nations' Economies", etc. (MUDDLE, MEDDLE, SCROUNGE)
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Retief / int_49aa9584
 Retief / int_4f4372e9
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Early-Installment Weirdness
 Retief / int_4f4372e9
comment
Early-Installment Weirdness: Diplomat at Arms is the first story to be written (though it's set later than all the rest, towards the end of Retief's career.) It's a straight espionage/ action drama with none of the satire and low comedy of the other Retief stories; also, the CDT is portrayed as an extremely competent organization (capable of forging all sorts of useful documents for Retief's mission) and Magnan is actively conniving to ruin Retief's career by giving him an impossible assignment.
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 Retief / int_5261369c
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Sand Worm
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comment
Sand Worm: In the story "Internal Affair," the ambassador to the planet Quahogg is chased by forty-foot giant worms. They turn out to be the intelligent aliens he was sent to meet, and the only safe place for humans on the planet is inside a larger worm in which the smaller worms live. It's also intelligent and serves as the head of state.
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Strange-Syntax Speaker
 Retief / int_5345de5
comment
Strange-Syntax Speaker: Almost every one of the many bizarre alien species in the series comes with their own quirky way of speaking: To talk like a Groaci. Backwards everything say Slunchans the. Squalians eek speclusively in Spoonerisms. And so on.
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 Retief / int_5539b84f
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Corrupt Church
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comment
Corrupt Church: In "The Brass God", the Hoogans live under an absolute theocracy. Their Pope's whim is law—and his whim involves things like demanding that the CDT donate one million credits to him, personally, and ordering Retief to be tossed into a heated metal idol, as well as arbitrarily changing the day of the week.
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 Retief / int_6bda9a30
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Meaningful Name
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comment
Meaningful Name: Ambassador Grossblunder, Miss Braswell, many more.
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Retief / int_6bda9a30
 Retief / int_6eb1268c
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Extreme Omnivore
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comment
Extreme Omnivore: In "The Garbage Invasion", the Basurans have consumed their entire native planet, and are looking for new ones to eat.
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 Retief / int_83856158
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Worthless Yellow Rocks
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comment
Worthless Yellow Rocks: This sort of thing happens quite often, given how diverse the aliens are.
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Retief / int_83856158
 Retief / int_854b029a
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Encyclopedia Exposita
 Retief / int_854b029a
comment
Encyclopedia Exposita: Played with. Many of the stories start with an excerpt from the official records of the CDT, explaining the story you're about to read. The official version is always much different from what actually happens, of course. For one thing, Retief's name is rarely mentioned.
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Extra Eyes
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comment
Extra Eyes: the Groaci have five.
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 Retief / int_8a943fe3
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Space Cold War
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comment
Space Cold War: Once the Groaci appear in the series, the analogies to the Cold War start coming fast and furious.
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Bizarre Sexual Dimorphism
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comment
Bizarre Sexual Dimorphism: In Retief and the Pan-Galactic Pageant of Pulchritude, an alien comments to Retief on the 'remarkable sexual dimorphism' of Terrans, after Retief slips a ringer into the titular beauty pageant: a female Bengal tiger. The alien doesn't notice the difference between human males and females, except to suggest that the human with the large protrusions on his (actually her) upper thorax might want to see a doctor about it.
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Retief / int_94f4832c
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Plant Aliens
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comment
Plant Aliens: Herby from the story "The Piecemakers" is a talking flower (although it turns out there's more to him than that).
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God-Emperor
 Retief / int_9620c3a1
comment
God-Emperor: in "The Hoob-Melon Crisis", the Groaci ambassador to an empty planet declares himself king, and then, in great bit of broken logic, uses the divine right of kings as an argument to get himself accepted into the official Groaci pantheon, since he was the one who made himself king.
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"Ass" in Ambassador
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comment
"Ass" in Ambassador: Pretty much all the actual ambassadors we encounter. In fact, pretty much everyone in the CDT except Retief, although Magnan is borderline. Given that the CDT's idea of diplomacy is to maintain tensions with other nations at levels short of war ... One notable subversion is an Ambassador Rainsinger, who appeared in just one story. Granted, he nearly wiped out all life on a certain planet through shortsighted actions, but he then acknowledged his error and went along with Retief on a dangerous mission that had a chance of saving everyone (and succeeded). Also, when he disagreed with Retief on the exact way to carry out the mission, he proved Retief wasn't the only "two-fisted diplomat" in the CDT. Retief won the fight, but admitted Rainsinger had "a pretty good left."
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Retief / int_997d5872
 Retief / int_9c47b23b
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Dirty Communists
 Retief / int_9c47b23b
comment
Dirty Communists: The Groaci basically filled the role of the Soviet Union in the Space Cold War of the series. Lampshaded in "Pime Doesn't Cray", when it's revealed that they frequently build "Bolshoi-type Ballet Theaters" as gifts for planets they're trying to influence.
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Retief / int_9c47b23b
 Retief / int_aa7dc8ce
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Luke Nounverber
 Retief / int_aa7dc8ce
comment
Luke Nounverber: used throughout the series.
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Retief / int_aa7dc8ce
 Retief / int_ad03437f
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Reverse Cerebus Syndrome
 Retief / int_ad03437f
comment
Reverse Cerebus Syndrome: The first two stories featuring Retief are serious in tone, lacking any humor. But by Protocol, there was a shift into satire that the series is well known for.
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Retief / int_ad03437f
 Retief / int_ad1db87c
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Oh, Crap!
 Retief / int_ad1db87c
comment
Oh, Crap!: The mood that often accompanies the initial incident in a story.
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 Retief / int_ae3d6438
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Deadpan Snarker
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comment
Deadpan Snarker: Retief himself, along with many of the aliens.
 Retief / int_ae3d6438
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 Retief / int_b058881a
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Maximum Fun Chamber
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comment
Maximum Fun Chamber: Groaci Captain Thilf threatens his subordinates with being "pegged out in the pleasure pits" if he is allowed to die.
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 Retief / int_b2280b66
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Retcon
 Retief / int_b2280b66
comment
Retcon: In the original version of "Courier", Retief realizes the locals of a planet are all telepathic. In latter versions, the line is taken out. Despite this, the story flows better without it, as the telepathy had no build up and doesn't add to the tale.
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Retief / int_b2280b66
 Retief / int_b351349c
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Flowery Elizabethan English
 Retief / int_b351349c
comment
Flowery Elizabethan English: The Oberonians in "Ballots and Bandits" all speak like they stepped out of the pages of a Shakespeare play, for no apparent reason except Rule of Funny.
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Retief / int_b351349c
 Retief / int_c007c53
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Cool and Unusual Punishment
 Retief / int_c007c53
comment
Cool and Unusual Punishment: Many of the aliens have bizarre ideas about how to deal with miscreants.
 Retief / int_c007c53
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Retief / int_c007c53
 Retief / int_c25c7890
type
Fun with Acronyms
 Retief / int_c25c7890
comment
Fun with Acronyms: The Manpower Utilization Directorate, Division of Libraries and Education; the Motorized Equipment Depot, Division of Loans and Exchanges, etc.
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 Retief / int_c34a1799
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Kaiju
 Retief / int_c34a1799
comment
Kaiju: "Giant Killer" features a giant dinosaur called Crunderthush that the hapless Terran emissaries (sans Retief) mistakenly agreed to slay.
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Double Speak
 Retief / int_c3accb7c
comment
Double Speak: Used by the CDT and other diplomats.
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Retief / int_c3accb7c
 Retief / int_c66cb5a9
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Human Sacrifice
 Retief / int_c66cb5a9
comment
Human Sacrifice: in "The Brass God", the Pope of the Hoogans declares that Retief must be sacrificed in a heated metal idol to make up for his insult in talking to the wrong people.
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Retief / int_c66cb5a9
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Heli-Critter
 Retief / int_cba91068
comment
Heli-Critter: In Retief's War.
 Retief / int_cba91068
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 Retief / int_cdd676a3
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Hyper-Competent Sidekick
 Retief / int_cdd676a3
comment
Hypercompetent Sidekick: In a sense, Retief himself is this to Magnan, his immediate superior in the CDT, and the only person in the CDT who takes Retief at all seriously.
 Retief / int_cdd676a3
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Retief / int_cdd676a3
 Retief / int_d13f7848
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Planet Eater
 Retief / int_d13f7848
comment
Planet Eater: In "The Garbage Eaters", the Basurans want to take over the paradise planet of Delicia so they can eat it like they did their home planet.
 Retief / int_d13f7848
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Retief / int_d13f7848
 Retief / int_d214a453
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Planet Terra
 Retief / int_d214a453
comment
Planet Terra: Humans are referred to as "terries".
 Retief / int_d214a453
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Retief / int_d214a453
 Retief / int_d45c0b86
type
Refuge in Audacity
 Retief / int_d45c0b86
comment
Refuge in Audacity: Retief pulls one off in "Pime Doesn't Cray". In the course of finding a stolen theater, he freaks out a Groaci embassy, assaults its personnel, and steals a land deed. When the Groaci ambassador confronts his Terran counterpart about Retief, the human diplomat is incredulous. To him, Retief is just "the fellow who holds my suitcase."
 Retief / int_d45c0b86
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Retief / int_d45c0b86
 Retief / int_d5dfb30a
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Professional Butt-Kisser
 Retief / int_d5dfb30a
comment
Professional Butt-Kisser: The CDT is full of these. Pretty much everyone short of full Ambassador rank needs this as a basic survival skill. Retief's inability to master the skill is one of the reasons he finds promotions so hard to come by.
 Retief / int_d5dfb30a
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Retief / int_d5dfb30a
 Retief / int_da3043c5
type
Fake Ultimate Hero
 Retief / int_da3043c5
comment
Fake Ultimate Hero: Virtually all of Retief's superiors, who invariably take credit for Retief's work in resolving the diplomatic issue of the week, even if they were the ones who caused it in the first place.
 Retief / int_da3043c5
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 Retief / int_dc3b74bc
type
Pointy-Haired Boss
 Retief / int_dc3b74bc
comment
Pointy-Haired Boss: Pretty much all of Retief's superiors in the CDT qualify, with the notable exception of Magnan, who rises to the level of near-competence once in a while.
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Ambadassador
 Retief / int_df77bb33
comment
Ambadassador: Retief himself (though his unorthodox methods prevent him from ever rising to the rank of actual ambassador).
 Retief / int_df77bb33
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 Retief / int_e061cb06
type
Rightful King Returns
 Retief / int_e061cb06
comment
Rightful King Returns: Played with in "Diplomat at Arms". A Feudal Future planet with a legend that their true Emperor will return one day and lead them to glory has fallen victim to an impostor who threatens to lead them into war. Retief is sent to sort it out, and does so by persuading the imperial court that he is the true heir to the imperial throne, deposing the impostor, and sticking around long enough to straighten out some of the society's worst problems before abdicating in favor of the most competent noble he can find, heaving a sigh of relief, and going home.
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 Retief / int_eff83d77
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Mundane Utility
 Retief / int_eff83d77
comment
Mundane Utility: The Bolo Model WV/1 is a Continental Siege Unit with half-a-megaton per second firepower. The CDT attached a bulldozer blade and use them for strip mining. Averted when a particularly aggressive power knows the potential uses for a Bolo. Under the guise of a "equipment loan", the bad guys receive a CDT grant of 500 WV/1 "tractors", with the intent of using them for conquests.
 Retief / int_eff83d77
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 Retief / int_eff83d77
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Retief / int_eff83d77
 Retief / int_f68fcbc6
type
Sealed Orders
 Retief / int_f68fcbc6
comment
Sealed Orders: In the story called, appropriately enough, "Sealed Orders," Retief is given sealed orders and sent to deal with a situation that's brewing between some Terran colonists and aliens called "Flap-jacks." Retief resolves the situation to the satisfaction of all concerned, returns home to witness his boss congratulate himself on the quality of the orders in the packet and Retief's ability to follow them, and then dumps the packet of orders —still sealed— down a garbage incinerator.
 Retief / int_f68fcbc6
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 Retief / int_f68fcbc6
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Retief / int_f68fcbc6
 Retief / int_f6b70c98
type
Strongly Worded Letter
 Retief / int_f6b70c98
comment
Strongly Worded Letter: One of the CDT's favorite tactics. Much safer than doing anything (at least in theory).
 Retief / int_f6b70c98
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1.0
 Retief / int_f6b70c98
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 Retief
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Retief / int_f6b70c98
 Retief / int_fbd285b7
type
Comically Missing the Point
 Retief / int_fbd285b7
comment
Comically Missing the Point: Retief's superiors, often. One believed that a CDT member having a set of journals about pest control would mortally offend a race of arthropods, but saw nothing wrong with his own setting up of a world government run by a local tribe that was universally hated by all the other tribes for highly sensible reasons on the grounds that they were well known to all.
 Retief / int_fbd285b7
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 Retief / int_fbd285b7
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Retief / int_fbd285b7
 Retief / int_fe3dfca8
type
Prop Recycling
 Retief / int_fe3dfca8
comment
Prop Recycling: Several elements of Laumer's Bolo series appear, including the titular super tanks, Infinite Repeaters, and the Terran Concordiat. Of course, this begs the question as to whether or not Laumer intended to set up a Future History.
 Retief / int_fe3dfca8
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1.0
 Retief / int_fe3dfca8
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Retief / int_fe3dfca8
 Retief / int_fea715c1
type
Feudal Future
 Retief / int_fea715c1
comment
Feudal Future: The Empire of the Lily on the planet Northroyal, in "Diplomat at Arms".
 Retief / int_fea715c1
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Retief / int_fea715c1
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ItemName
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Retief

The following is a list of statements referring to the current page from other pages.

 Retief
hasFeature
Alien Catnip / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Alien Lunch / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Bizarre Alien Biology / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Bizarre Sexual Dimorphism / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Bulletproof Vest / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Extra Eyes / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Flowery Elizabethan English / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Foreign Queasine / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
God-Emperor / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Heli-Critter / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Hurricane of Aphorisms / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Insectoid Aliens / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
LEGO Body Parts / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
One-Product Planet / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Planet Eater / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Pointless Civic Project / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Reverse Cerebus Syndrome / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Sand Worm / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Sdrawkcab Name / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Sealed Orders / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Solid Gold Poop / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Standard Sci-Fi History / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
The Federation / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Unified Naming System / int_cf9a66d6
 Retief
hasFeature
Strange-Syntax Speaker / int_cf9a66d6