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Hollywood Apocrypha
- 186 statements
- 35 feature instances
- 10 referencing feature instances
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Let us turn to Book of Trope Descriptions. Now behold, it did come to pass that in the city of Los Angeles, the writers of science fiction and fantasy did begin to wax exceedingly fat off of the labors of their hands. Yea, they did profit exceedingly from their craft, insomuch that they did pen all manners of divers scripts and movie treatments. And behold, many of their stories did deal with Chosen One protagonists, insomuch that these writers did spend much labor crafting phony-baloney scriptural prophecies to flesh out the protagonists' back-stories. Now it came to pass that these prophecies were contained in sacred texts, which the writers did toil exceedingly to invent. And behold, the writers did send forth a law, yea even an exceedingly strict law, by which these texts would be known. And the law did read thusly: Behold, the text that thou shalt write shall be exceedingly ancient and obscure, insomuch that thy audience might have no expertise on the culture of origin, and will just have to take thy word for it. Ancient shall be thy text, and ancient and exotic shall be the language in which it first appears. Behold, thy text shall be written in Aramaic, or in Chaldean, or in proto-Mongolian, or in Sanskrit, or in Mayan or Sumerian or some demonic language that thou hast invented on the spot. Though the potential origins of thy text shall be many and diverse, thou shalt always generate an English version of thy text, which thy protagonist or his lackeys shall translate from the original in an unrealistically brief amount of time. And it shall come to pass that when thy text is translated to English, it shall be written in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe. Yea, thy verb conjugations shalt be incorrect, even to the point of meaninglessness. Thy sentence structure and writing style shall be based on the King James translation of the Bible, regardless of the culture and language of origin. Thou shalt not use all the styles of the King James Bible, which are diverse and many. Instead, thou shalt focus on those bits for which thou hast read the Cliff's Notes. Thou shalt begin as many sentences as possible with the words, "Thou Shalt" or "Behold". For behold, if it is good enough for the Ten Commandments, it shall be good enough for thee. Thou shalt frame all of thy prophecies in the language of the Book of Revelation, particularly the parts about rivers turning to blood, seven headed dragons, and women riding monsters or wearing crowns of stars. Thy prophecy shall sound exceedingly cool, and shall mirror events transpiring in the plot thus far. Thy prophecy shall not be so specific as to preclude a Prophecy Twist. Thou mayest include a Nostradamus-style cryptic timetable. Insomuch as thou includest this time-table, it shall always work out to the prophecy being fulfilled within three weeks of its being read on-screen (or at least no later than the season finale). The location for the fulfilling of thy prophecy shall invariably be within four score furlongs (ten miles) of the protagonist's house. Thus endeth the law. And behold, it came to pass that the writers did name this law "Hollywood Apocrypha," and did use it to generate diverse sacred texts and fake scriptures. And they did look upon their labors, and see that they were good. Well, no, not really good. But they did look upon their labors and see that they were not so horrible that people stopped watching their shows. And lo, they departed from thence and did go shopping. — The Gospel according to Hollywood, chapter 42, verses 1-25 |
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Lampshaded in Fiddler on the Roof, when Tevye (who makes a lot of Biblical references, a few of them misremembered) keeps misattributing quotes. | |
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A short example in Earth (The Book) involving Jesus, his disciples, and some snakes. Naturally, for the audiobook version, The Daily Show's resident Brit John Oliver is the one who reads this part. | |
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The Neverhood Chronicles from The Neverhood, that very long tome you read in the Hall of Records. It's an Affectionate Parody of the Old Testament; the gag is that it's written in modern vernacular. | |
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Cthulhu Mythos: The Necronomicon is often portrayed this way. | |
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Seasons 4 and 5 of Supernatural has the show's designated heroes consulting a "special" version of the Book of Revelation. What everyone else regards as The Bible is supposedly The Theme Park Version. | |
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The Dead Sea Scrolls in Neon Genesis Evangelion. What precisely is in them is never revealed, though some brief images in the opening credits show them to be written in some sort of strange, arcane script that somewhat resembles Aramaic. It's also obliquely alluded to contain a prophesy of some kind by the resident Omniscient Council of Vagueness. | |
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Also played for laughs in Monty Python's Life of Brian, with the various false prophets couching their prophecies (mostly) in stereotypical Biblical language. Averted when Brian himself tries to make a few analogies that are clearly modeled on Jesus' parables, except clumsily worded and badly told. | |
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Discworld: In the novel Small Gods pokes fun at this, where everything the Great God Om says after a sudden influx of worshippers is a scriptural passage. In the same book, a scribe jotted down Cut-Me-Own-Hand-Off Dhblah's eyewitness account of Om's ascension and Brutha's reaction, and it's written like this as well. Except that Dhblah's still trying to shift his very old produce and tries to sell it to the scribe. |
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Monty Python and the Holy Grail has a reading from the Book of Armaments (Chapter 2, verses 9-21), which gives the history and the correct usage of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Tying in with the Pythons' longtime riffing on organized religion, said reading is full of rambling and redundant passages, to the point where the acolyte has to skip over a sizable chunk of the excerpt. | |
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Homestuck. This page combines KJV-esque English with Sophisticated as Hell. | |
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The DaThings Youtube Poop "Products™" uses several infomercials as its source material, one of them being for the "My Lil' Prayer Box", an ornamental music box that's supposed to store things like prayer notes. The infomercial is edited to include an "inspirational passage of scripture". | |
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Red Dwarf: In the episode "Better Than Life", Lister and Rimmer watch a news program. | |
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The Claire Bible of Slayers, which, in kanji, actually does translate to "Book of Revelations." It's a book of seemingly infinite wisdom that was gifted to humanity by the demon-gods of that world. It's so massive that most of the copies are contained piecemeal on massive lithographs and the original copy occupies its own plane of existence. | |
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"You talk about your psalms, you talk about your John 3:16. Well, Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!" | |
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In Batman Beyond, the newly christened villain Blight (a man with powers to melt and wither things with his touch) seemingly recites a (fictitious) bible verse. It's from that "verse" that he gets his name. | |
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Stargate SG-1: The Book of Origin for the Ori. One episode even has a Prior (quoting the Book of Origin) squaring off against Cam Mitchell (quoting The Bible verses picked up from his religious grandmother). | |
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Pulp Fiction. About a third of Jules's speech is pretty close to the real Ezekiel 25:17, the rest is a pastiche of other Biblical phrases inspired by old Sonny Chiba movies. | |
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The Death Note fanfic I Won't Say has "The First Book of Mello." He hasn't written the second one yet, but chances are it will get a parental advisory sticker. | |
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Each game in the Nexus War series has findable verses of the Lore of Haldon, the scripture-styled ravings of a very Unreliable Narrator who in turn learned much of what he knew from an even more unreliable source but who nevertheless knew far more than usual about the workings of the Cosmic Chess Game that drives the series. Finding the entire text grants some potent benefits without the madness but is considered to be That One Achievement for very good reason. | |
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In The Book of Mormon, Arnold Cunningham, desperate to make the Book of Mormon relevant to Ugandans, starts interpolating his own apocrypha about AIDS, baby-raping and clitoridectomy. These passages include characters from The Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. | |
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This is parodied in Good Omens, where Agnes Nutter's book and the Buggre Alle This Bible are both written this way. | |
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The Crime Bible in The DCU, which even spawned its own mini-series, Crime Bible: Five Lessons of Blood, each issue of which opened with a passage from the Crime Bible. Depending on who you ask, the Crime Bible may or may not be an in-universe example invented specifically for the purposes of the Religion of Crime. | |
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Similarly to the Rowan Atkinson version above, there was The Bible... According to Spike Milligan. | |
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Hilariously averted in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, where (after a reading from the "St. Victor" sketch mentioned below) a chaplain leads the school in a prayer consisting of uninspiring ass-kissing ("Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you"), then in a hymn begging God not to cook them in various specific ways. | |
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Borderline example is the "Book of (insert Israeli leader name here)" in Private Eye, which presents contemporary events in the Middle East in a parody of the King James Bible style. | |
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Invoked by the title characters of The Boondock Saints in the sequel. When asked if they say a prayer before executing someone, they decided to have a little fun, point their guns at the guy who asked them the question, and dramatically make up "verses" about the Vengeance of the Lord using Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe. | |
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The classic Giant Bug movie Them! has a character mutter such a verse: | |
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Blackadder: The Ten Commandments of Jeremoth, in the Appendix to the Apocrypha. We only hear one of them, which is "don't eat carrots". And it's highly suspect as is, given the one reading this is the Witchsmeller. | |
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Beast Wars has the Covenant of Primus, the Transformers equivalent of The Bible...although the parts we actually hear are all the equivalent of those bits at the end of the Bible. | |
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The Book of Mormon is near-universally (by pretty much everyone who isn't Mormon or one of their offshoots) agreed to have errors and phrasing consistent with this trope indicative of a man of Joseph Smith's education emulating the King James Bible's style. Whether this is indicative of him writing it whole-cloth or of him translating something given from on high to the best of his ability is largely a matter of faith. | |
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The Shepherd's Journal from Atlantis: The Lost Empire. | |
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Saiyuki has the Maten Sutra that the priest Sanzo carries around. It's a reference to the unidentified scriptures in Journey to the West, and the parts that are read are mangled versions of real-life Buddhist sutras. | |
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In the novel Small Gods pokes fun at this, where everything the Great God Om says after a sudden influx of worshippers is a scriptural passage. | |
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The Hell Bible in Constantine (2005), which has a different Book of Revelation. | |
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Subverted in The Cabin in the Woods. The Harbinger calls up the Facility and starts ranting on like this, as the coordinators giggle at him. He stops in mid-rant and demands to know if he's on speakerphone. | |
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