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The Alleged Computer

 The Alleged Computer
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 The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
 The Alleged Computer
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TheAllegedComputer
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It's a dusty, out-of-date computer with a wheezing hard drive that takes over a minute to perform a simple operation. A beaten-up computer that crashes and restarts unexpectedly and at the ''least desirable' time for a breakdown. It's probably a big tower computer but it might also be a heavy, clunky laptop the size of an attache case. It might have outmoded accessories like a floppy disk drive and a huge Cathode Ray Tube monitor. Bonus points for a CRT that is 1980s-style monochrome green monitor or a 1970s-era reel-to-reel tape drive.
This is The Alleged Computer. This computer, to put it kindly, isn't the most viable to use to lollygag or search funny cat videos with, let alone do real work on, as it struggles with sending an email. In fact, you could probably benefit using an old 1990s mobile phone with Internet capabilities over this type of "computer". Their best use is probably a novelty doorstop or tire chock for an RV. Or donate it to a museum.
If it runs overly slowly or breaks with a single touch (or only works properly with a very strong touch), it definitely fits here. If a computer is actually much more efficient than it looks, see What a Piece of Junk. It may look like it belongs in a scrapyard.
Compare The Alleged Car, The Alleged House, and The Alleged Steed for severely underperforming automobiles, homes, and horses. Also see No Backwards Compatibility in the Future and Our Graphics Will Suck in the Future.
Walking Techbanes turn any computers around them into these.
While Older Is Better is often depicted in fiction for swords, armor, and guns, this isn't the case for computers due the the exponential gains in memory and processing speed between the 1970s and today. A 1975 Cray-1 supercomputer processed at 80 MHz; in the 2020s, a schoolkid's laptop will run at 1.5 GHz and a good home computer may run at 5 GHz.
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 The Alleged Computer
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DBTropes
 The Alleged Computer / int_1483991c
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The Alleged Computer
 The Alleged Computer / int_1483991c
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In Homestesque, Tyler has an Unbelievably Shitty Laptop with a CRT screen.
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The Alleged Computer
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In early 2021, Caddicarus decided to build a high-end gaming PC with help from LowSpecGamer (the latter of whom already had plenty of experience with PC building). But a ridiculous number of mishaps resulted in the computer not working properly at all. On top of difficulties getting the parts in the first place due to Covid-related supply chain issues, he ran into compatibility and power issues with the combination of parts he chose that kept the machine from booting up properly, requiring him to buy and swap out all sorts of different parts in hopes one would work. Even after he finally got it booted up, the computer started crashing frequently for reasons that neither he nor LSG or any other friends he consulted could discern. After losing 18 hours of recorded gaming footage to one reboot on the clunker, and after having spent more than £7,500 (about $10,000) on it, he finally decided to just go with a prebuilt computer. He would eventually post a video detailing what happened in large part to explain why he had an abnormally long gap in his upload schedule.
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The Alleged Computer
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JonTron has a computer that shorts out when lightly doused with (his) blood in his first Flex Tape video.
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The Alleged Computer
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In the Arrow episode "Crossing Lines", Ollie, in prison, manages to sneak into an office to do a websearch on one of the guards. His cellmate looks sceptically at the clunky keyboard and CRT monitor, wondering if it even has the internet.
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The Alleged Computer / int_22147342
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The Alleged Computer
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The Simpsons:
In "Separate Vocations", the school's aptitude tests are scored by a huge mainframe-like machine named "Emma", which takes some Percussive Maintenance to operate. It said Bart should be a cop and Lisa a homemaker.
In "Lisa Gets an 'A'", when Lisa's dishonest exam result pushes the school's average into the boundaries of acceptability, the school is awarded some money which is spent on, among other things, a Coleco desktop computer which is visibly about 15 years out of date at the time of the episode and was released to mediocre reception and poor sales even when it was new. Hapless salesman Gil advises rust-proofing.
They use this to take a great jab at The IRS when Homer is audited in "The Trouble With Trillions". How triumphantly the agent brags about how "powerful" their computers really sells it:
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The Alleged Computer
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We Bare Bears: In "The Library", Panda tries to download and print out some practice tests for Chloe, who's cramming for a big exam. Unfortunately, the only computer available is a ridiculously outdated one with a CRT monitor ("Why does the screen bulge out?"), a dot-matrix printer, and a dial-up modem.
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The Alleged Computer / int_3cc61f13
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The Alleged Computer
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Peggy Hill in King of the Hill uses a Kaypro II (first released 1982) up until the turn of the millennium, at which point Hank buys her a 'blueberry' (read: G3) iMac.
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The Alleged Computer
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Another early example was the Sinclair ZX80, which in addition to an (allegedly) barely usable keyboard had the design flaw of not being able to display anything whilst a key was being pressed (making it unsuitable for anything like games, not that this stopped developers from making them anyway), as well as the available display area shrinking the more memory was used. Like its younger and more famous brother the ZX81, which had some of these design flaws fixed, it also only had a measly 1K of RAM (which could be expanded with a RAM pack that was often held in place with blu-tac) and monochrome display (even the Commodore VIC-20 had more than this). Nevertheless these trade-offs made it the first home computer in the UK available for under £100, ended up selling some 100,000 units and proving mass-market home computing was possible, leading to the phenomenally successful ZX81 and ZX Spectrum.
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The Alleged Computer / int_4ce8b3e8
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The Alleged Computer
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Heath Robinson in Driftless Wormhole, to the point that vacuum tubes are a huge step up.
 The Alleged Computer / int_4f821ec8
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The Alleged Computer / int_4f821ec8
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The Alleged Computer
 The Alleged Computer / int_5afad7b7
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Whatever computer Sseth is using in a review is rarely portrayed in a positive light when seen or mentioned. His laptop in particular is about a decade out of date, covered in a bizarre combination of old stickers, and in such a poor state of disrepair that Sseth classifies it an improvised taser in his Underrail review. Its condition only gets worse in later reviews.
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The Alleged Computer
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The Aardvark in The Ant and the Aardvark cartoon "Technology Phooey" builds a computer to help him catch an ant, but its solutions are of dubious success. That's because it's actually an automatic pop-up toaster.
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The Alleged Computer
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Holly from Red Dwarf. Despite allegedly having an IQ of 6000, he (she in some of the later series) has gone very senile, and often blunderingly damages the people on the ship.
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The Daily WTF has a few stories about these.
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In The Adventure Zone: Amnesty, paranormal researcher Thacker kept all his notes on a Mac laptop that was at least 20 years old by the time the main characters needed it. They only used it as a reference in extreme cases, because each time it booted up might be its last.
 The Alleged Computer / int_66971d4e
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The Alleged Computer
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The laptop's temporary replacement in Sseth's Total Annihilation: Kingdoms review, which he dubs "I Have No Case and I Must Scream", is an even more extreme example, being nothing more than some loose parts wired together lacking so much as a power button, requiring that pins be shorted on the motherboard with a screwdriver to turn the computer on instead.
 The Alleged Computer / int_699acf4b
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The Alleged Computer
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The 8-Bit Guy - in the video AST Computer - Tales from Tech Support David talks about the staggering return rate of the titular computers. Some calls were after the computer had caught fire or were still smoking.
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The Alleged Computer
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SsethTzeentach:
Whatever computer Sseth is using in a review is rarely portrayed in a positive light when seen or mentioned. His laptop in particular is about a decade out of date, covered in a bizarre combination of old stickers, and in such a poor state of disrepair that Sseth classifies it an improvised taser in his Underrail review. Its condition only gets worse in later reviews.
The laptop's temporary replacement in Sseth's Total Annihilation: Kingdoms review, which he dubs "I Have No Case and I Must Scream", is an even more extreme example, being nothing more than some loose parts wired together lacking so much as a power button, requiring that pins be shorted on the motherboard with a screwdriver to turn the computer on instead.
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The Alleged Computer
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Vice Principal Crubbs' computer from Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide was so prone to freezing and crashing that it would often launch him into profanity-laced rants about how much he hated it, likely with his hand on the intercom button. At the end of an episode, he smashed it with a hammer in order to get a new one directly after telling a student not to do so.
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The Alleged Computer / int_80942169
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The Alleged Computer
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General Protection Fault: The secret organization of the Brotherhood of the Twisted Pair seek a geek "like none other, whose skills are without equal. He (or she) will initiate a golden age of geekdom, and lead a revolution of ideas that will revolutionize the computerized world." One of the tests is averting this trope with out-of-date machinery.
Fooker passed by building a server out of computer equipment made in the late 1980s, when said components were at least a decade out of date.
Sharon passed by writing down what you'd have to do in order to pull off a similar feat, using 20-year-old equipment.
Yoshi passed by having the computer equipment a college kid could buy on a budget confiscated by the FBI, because of what he did with it.
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The Alleged Computer
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The Bastard Operator from Hell keeps one antiquated machine around because his unfinished game of Dungeon is on it. Its hard disk failed a long time ago; the machine has been running from memory for untold years. Other stories also make fun of various outdated equipment, like one where he made a few bucks by selling users the right to chuck their crappy old hardware from the roof of the building. It's all good fun until an old mainframe lands on the boss' car...
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The Alleged Computer
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In Knights of the Dinner Table, B.A. had a Trash 80note a common nickname for the TRS-80 computer, which was a pretty low-power system even for its era nicknamed Molly, whose slowness made it the butt of many jokes.
 The Alleged Computer / int_86772227
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 Knights of the Dinner Table (Comic Strip)
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The Alleged Computer / int_86772227
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The Alleged Computer
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The Loud House: In the episode "Out of the Picture", the school computer Coach Pacowski has to use to edit the year book is horrendously slow.
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The Alleged Computer
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In Leftover Soup Jamie had a "Linux clusterfuck" of three laptops that were supposed to act as one machine but in practice didn't work without all three active at once and was much less powerful than even one of them by itself. He apparently bought the mess for $50 and the original creator had died without leaving any documentation. Professional computer geek Ellen tries for a full day and night to make it work with one laptop, but eventually just scraps them and buys him a new laptop.
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The Alleged Computer
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Downplayed in The Web of The Spider-Man. Peter got his laptop as a hand-me-down from his late father, making it really, really old by modern standards. Peter has been keeping it running and updated by buying whatever computer parts he could afford with his meager allowance, but it's held together with gum, paperclips, and toothpicks. While it can't compete with a modern computer, it still works fine for the most part.
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The Alleged Computer
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In the Thunderbirds episode "Sun Probe", engineer "Brains" accidentally takes his experimental robot instead of a computer along on a rescue. When he's forced to ask the robot to make the calculations, it takes the robot a full 20 seconds (accompanied by obligatory clicks and whirrs) to make the calculation when (in spite of the pseudo-scientific nonsense-calculation used) it could have been solved on a pocket calculator as quickly as you could press the keys.
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The Alleged Computer
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One of the Pigs In Space: Deep Dish Nine: The Next Generation skits on Muppets Tonight has Piggy unveil the ship's new computer, the A.L. 19.95 plus tax. Which then takes the rest of the sketch to calculate 2+2.
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 Muppets Tonight
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The Alleged Computer
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The Fairly OddParents!:
Mr. Crocker's computer is horrendously slow enough to qualify.
Averted when Timmy's dad made one himself and it works fine. Unlike his other stuff. Its only drawback is that it needs someone to run on a treadmill to work.
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The Alleged Computer
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In Questionable Content, May's body is an Alleged Computer. It is literally falling apart, as shown here, here and here. The problem reaches its culmination here as her body's head falls off and the body catches fire—fortunately just after she's been put into a new and much better body.
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The Alleged Computer
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Jen's work computer in The IT Crowd is so infected with malware that Roy says he'd Mercy Kill it if it were human.
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Controversy ensued in 1994 when Disney's Animated Storybook: The Lion King crashed on a number of Compaq Presario computers that came bundled with the game which was rushed in time for Christmas. Due to issues with the Presarios in question, particularly certain video drivers which weren't thoroughly tested with Microsoft's WinG graphics API, Disney's support lines were flooded with calls from angry parents whose children were crying as they couldn't get the game to work properly. Eventually, the initial release was recalled and amended pressings of the game with better hardware support was released both as a new purchase and as a free exchange for the earlier release. The Lion King debacle eventually led Microsoft to develop the more popular DirectX API, whose development was also spurred by the fact that game developers held on to MS-DOS and were leery of the development challenges Windows imposed on developers.
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In Neither a Bird nor a Plane, it's Deku!, K.E.L.E.X. believes every single computer on Earth is this, as it's all Stone Age tech compared to what he's equipped with. To be fair, he's justified in that he's lightyears ahead of any conventional computer on Earth, to the point that he can easily upgrade Izuku's phone to make it project a forcefield powerful enough to completely repel the toxic gas produced by Korusan Island. He takes every opportunity to rub this in.
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Subverted in a Tales from the Darkside episode, "The Word Processor of the Gods", based on a Stephen King short story of the same title. Writer Richard Hagstrom receives a homemade word processor from his nephew Jonathan. The machine struggles with mundane text processing, but when it's commanded to rewrite Richard's life, the results are astounding.
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In-universe, a couple of levels of TRON 2.0 invoke this. While the systems overrun by Z-lots aren't designed poorly, and the EN-1282 is a circa 1982 mainframe chugging along in 2003, other systems like the PDA and the Datawraith server are probably just as User-unfriendly on the outside as they are to Jet inside.
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The Alleged Computer
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The Comics Curmudgeon has a theory that the Archie comic strip is written by the "Archie Joke Generating Laugh Unit 3000" (the AJGLU-3000), a quasi-sentient but primitive, very large, computer that attempts to mimic human interaction for humor.
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The first entry in the Jedi Academy Trilogy, Jedi Search, had Han Solo and Kyp Durron steal a ship that turned out to have a very old, very slow nav computer, which was a liability in a tense battle situation. As a result, they needed to brave the Maw, a dangerous black hole cluster, in order to evade pursuit. Thankfully this became a Suicidal "Gotcha!" thanks to the Force being with Kyp.
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 Jedi Academy Trilogy
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The Alleged Computer / int_d5916141
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The Alleged Computer
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Any PC multiplayer game that requires all the participants to get matched up with each other ahead of time and then actually load into the game (think League of Legends) will cause accusations of this from faster loading players against the slowest. "Are you loading the game on a typewriter?" is a typical comment.
One collection of comments from LOL's Tribunal (read: in-game chat) had an angry Lulu player denounce another gamer: "JESUS! Please upgrade your wooden PC powered by 8 hamsters on wheels who are digging for bitcoins in the wood chips!"
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The Alleged Computer / int_d616724d
 The Alleged Computer / int_e081af79
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The Alleged Computer
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In The Inexplicable Adventures of Bob! has the mad scientist Dean Martin (no, not that one), who uses a TRS-80.
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1.0
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The Alleged Computer / int_e081af79
 The Alleged Computer / int_e25322af
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The Alleged Computer
 The Alleged Computer / int_e25322af
comment
Strong Bad from Homestar Runner apparently loves computers like this and uses them by choice. He mocks his friend/pet/lackey The Cheat for using a modern computer which doesn't have a text-based interface like Strong Bad's computers, he thinks a flat screen means someone cut the back of the monitor away, and he thinks The Cheat's computer mouse is a bar of soap.
The Tandy 400 (his first computer), fits after Strong Bad continues to use it after its explosion.
The Compy 386 (pictured above) doesn't show any negative qualities other than general obsolescence for its time. Well, that and having a massive hole blasted through the screen by Bubs with a shotgun in order to deal with a virus, much to Strong Bad's distress. (In fairness, said virus was warping reality and causing the line between reality and the website to completely fall apart.)
The Lappy 486 features, according to Strong Bad, an "extremely portable" weight of 42 pounds and a battery life of "one-half of ten minutes."
Averted with the Compé, which was current when the toons that featured it were made, but still fits this trope due to it having a text-based interface alongside a desktop interface, and the very pixelated text.
The Lappier is presumably better than the Lappy, but it is unclear since it's only been in a few toons.
In the Strong Bad Email "the facts", Strong Mad apparently "uses" a computer that's just a cardboard box and a paper grocery bag done up to look vaguely like a desktop computer.
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In the Strong Bad Email "the facts", Strong Mad apparently "uses" a computer that's just a cardboard box and a paper grocery bag done up to look vaguely like a desktop computer.
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1.0
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 The Alleged Computer / int_efa49b17
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The Alleged Computer
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In "His Red Right Hand" from The Mentalist, according to a "The Reason You Suck" Speech rant by California Bureau of Investigation director Virgil Minelli, the computers at CBI have "more viruses than a $10 whore."
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The following is a list of statements referring to the current page from other pages.

 The Alleged Computer
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Comedy Tropes
 The Alleged Computer
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Index Failure
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer
 The Inexplicable Adventures of Bob! (Webcomic) / int_4e690511
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The Alleged Computer
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The Alleged Computer