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This Index Is Useless

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 Boy, we live in an incredible world. Society has created an infrastructure designed to help those that need it. Science has created all manner of convenient gadgetry, and you can always ask your elders for answers to some of the more confusing questions... That is, unless you're in a work of fiction. Then you can expect all this to be, well... useless. Here's a bunch of not-so-useless tropes about useless things, thrown together for the convenience of... someone else. For you, it's useless. Or maybe not.
Compare and contrast There Are No Indexes, where something that might be useful in a certain setting/situation is nowhere to be found.
Tropes:

Adults Are Useless: The adults can't or won't help the Kid Hero with whatever problems they're having at the moment.
Annoying Arrows: These arrows can't even kill a bird.
Armor Is Useless: Armor that can't protect from damage isn't worth the trouble.
Awesome, but Impractical: Could be useful, if not for the many disadvantages it has.
Blessed with Suck: You thought that new "power" was going to be useful. It's not.
Bystander Syndrome: Onlookers don't step in to help someone clearly in trouble because it's not their problem.
Cell Phones Are Useless: You can't use a cell phone to call for help when you really need to.
Cool, but Inefficient: Looks cool, but that's about it.
Cosmetic Award: A reward that's equivalent to a shiny medal saying "You did it!"
Deck Clogger: A card that is useless, only serving to clog up your deck and waste draws.
A Degree in Useless: A degree that has little real-world application.
Delayed Safety Feature: A safety feature fails to activate until after it would have been useful.
Expert in Underwater Basket Weaving: A character is skilled in something completely useless.
The Ditz: They're too stupid to be helpful.
Failure Hero: This guy never wins.
Faux Action Girl: Her appearance and demeanor implies that she's skilled and can handle herself in a bad situation, but in reality she tends to get into trouble and has be rescued like a Damsel in Distress.
Faux-To Guide: Its instructions are not to be followed.

Gray Is Useless: If something is colored gray, then it's useless.
Guns Are Worthless: Guns are the least effective weapon to use, especially when dealing with the supernatural.
Helmets Are Hardly Heroic: Important characters don't need helmets.
Helpless Observer Protagonist: The protagonist literally can't do anything to impact the plot even if they wanted to.
It Only Works Once: Your technique against an opponent worked, but becomes useless when you try it again.
Joke Character: This guy's the worst character to use in a game.
Joke Item: An item that's intentionally designed to be very weak.
Little Useless Gun: This gun is completely ineffectual at killing anything.
The Load: This person contributes nothing to your team except being more trouble than they're worth.
Meaningless Villain Victory: A villain's victory at best doesn't grant them anything and at worst leaves them worse off than before.
Militaries Are Useless: The military is unhelpful when they really shouldn't be.
The Millstone: This guy ruins everything.
Money Is Not Power: When wealthy people accustomed to bribing their way out of trouble find themselves in a situation where no amount of money will prevent them from being held accountable for their transgressions.
My Car Hates Me: Your car becomes useless when you need it the most.
Not-So-Omniscient Council of Bickering: These people should be helping the heroes, but are too busy arguing amongst themselves to do so.
Orphaned Punchline: A punchline without the joke.
Planes, Trains, and Imbeciles: The people who work in travel and transportation are stupid and unhelpful.
Police Are Useless: Law enforcers can't help you or won't do their job.
Overreacting Airport Security: Airport security that's too gung-ho to do their job competently.
Powerful and Helpless: All their power is rendered naught when they're in a special situation or facing a special problem.
Power-Up Letdown: You call this a power up?!
Quirky Bard: This guy's abilities are all for show and not for actual help.
Radar Is Useless: Electronic detection systems are about as helpful as a blind lookout.
Reed Richards Is Useless: Why use your amazing powers to benefit humanity when you could waste them on meaningless things instead.
Reflectionless Useless Eyes: These eyes are unseeing, at least in our perspective.
Removing the Crucial Teammate: The useless team member they expelled isn't nearly as useless as they thought.
Schlubby, Scummy Security Guard'': Security guards are useless.
Science Is Useless: When science isn't bad or wrong, it just simply isn't helpful.
Scrappy Weapon: This weapon is not only useless but a pain to use in addition.
Senseless Sacrifice: A character's Heroic Sacrifice is useless.
Shields Are Useless: What good is a shield if it can't protect you?
The Slacker: This character does as little as possible.
Suspect Is Hatless: A search is hindered due to a description that is incredibly vague.
Useless Boyfriend: He's only a badass as long as his Action / Magical girlfriend isn't showing him up.
Useless Item: This item could have a purpose... too bad the game designers failed to give it one.
Useless Notes: These aren't the kind of notes to use when learning about the world around you.
Useless Protagonist: Despite being the hero of the plot, they can't do anything except sit back and let the supporting cast do all the heavylifting.
Useless Security Camera: The security camera doesn't catch the criminal in the act.
Useless Spleen: Damage or loss of the spleen can be Played for Laughs. It's not like that thing does anything useful anyway, right?
Useless Superpowers: Superpowers aren't much help if they're limited in what they can do.
Useless Useful Non-Combat Abilities: This skill is useful but it pales in comparison to more action based ones.
Useless Useful Spell: These magic abilities are never useful when they could be.
Useless Useful Stealth: Getting around enemies with stealth is a pain rather than helpful.
Useless Without Powers: This person can't do anything without their powers, sometimes including even mundane things.
What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?: Superpowers are for asskicking, this power on the other hand can't do that so what good is it?
Witless Protection Program: What's the use of Witness Protection if it doesn't protect the witness?
Worthless Foreign Degree: Credentials earned in the home country allowed a person to work in a highly skilled profession, but in their new country said credentials are inapplicable, thus forcing them to seek work as an unskilled laborer.
Worthless Yellow Rocks: A character discards something expensive because it has no practical application to the situation at hand.
You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: Killing off whoever is no longer useful to you.
Shoot the Builder: Now that they're done creating something for you, they must die since they've fulfilled their purpose.
Zonk: A prize or reward that isn't worth anything.
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 DBTropes

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 This Index Is Useless
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 Topical Tropes
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