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The Cattle Raid of Cooley

 The Cattle Raid of Cooley
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TVTItem
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley
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The Cattle Raid of Cooley
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TheCattleRaidOfCooley
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley
comment
Táin Bó Cúailnge (The Cattle Raid of Cooley, though more often simply called The Táin in English) is an ancient Irish story from the Ulster Cycle of Celtic Mythology. It is considered the Irish national epic.The oldest surviving manuscripts are in Middle Irish and date to the 12th century, but there are allusions to it in Old Irish poems of the 7th century, and elements of it are strikingly similar to things the Greeks and Romans used to say of the Celts.Queen Medb of Connacht and her new husband Ailill are talking in bed one night, trying to figure out whose wealth is greater. They eventually conclude that their wealth is exactly equal except for one thing: Ailill owns a great prize bull, while Medb does not. So Medb commands the soldiers of Ireland to invade the kingdom of Ulster and steal its prized bull, Donn Cúailgne, the Brown Bull of Cooley, at any cost. This should be easy, since Ulster is under an unrelated curse that keeps the grown Ulstermen from fighting, and thus Ulster stands nearly defenseless before her army. Medb is thus opposed only by sixteen-year-old hero Cú Chulainn. Of course, Cú Chulainn is a hero in the classical sense, a demigod of amazing prowess, and the ensuing fight is epic, including several gods and a good deal of magic.The Táin has been adapted into comics on a couple of occasions: An Táin (2006) by Colmán Ó Raghallaigh and the artists of Cartoon Saloon, The Cattle Raid of Cooley (2008-2015) by Patrick Brown, About a Bull (2011-2013) by M.K. Reed, Celtic Warrior: The Legend of Cú Chulainn (2013) by Will Sliney, and Hound (2014-2018) by Paul J. Bolger and Barry Devlin (from Horslips).There are also two concept albums based on the story, both full of Epic Rocking — godfathers of Celtic Rock Horslips made a concept album, The Táin, based on the story in 1973, and The Decemberists' 2004 EP The Tain is Colin Meloy's interpretation/abridgment.Though often simply referred to as "The Táin", technically a táin (cattle raid) was a whole genre of stories. Some of the lesser tána include the Táin Bó Flidhais and Táin Bó Regamon.There is also an assortment of related tales called the remscéla. These are prequels (that is literally what remscéla means, "before-tales") to the main narrative, expanding on various characters' histories and explaining, for instance, where the bulls came from, why Fergus mac Róich is in exile in Connacht, and who various champions are; another tale, Ces Ulad (The Debility of the Ulstermen) while not actually considered one of the remscéla, gives an important account of why the men of Ulster were cursed to begin with. Many published editions will include a selection of these (the Kinsella edition includes eight, for instance). The most famous is The Exile of the Sons of Uisnech.
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Heroic BSoD
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_1439161f
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Heroic BSoD: Cú Chulainn, after killing his best friend (and hinted lover) Fer Diad.
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Super-Powered Evil Side
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_14431f9
comment
Superpowered Evil Side: Cú Chulainn's warp-spasm.
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Does This Remind You of Anything?
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_14ed6ab7
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The former kills the latter by shoving his spear up his anus. Make of that what you will.
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The Rustler
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_15666da9
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The Rustler: The plot runs on Medb herself sending her ARMY to raid a prized magical bull.
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Hulking Out
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_164bd5fd
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Hulking Out: What Cúchulainn's "warp-spasm" is described as, to a particularly gruesome degree:
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The Rival
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_1c3d047e
comment
The Rival: Fer Diad to Cú Chulainn. Medb and Ailill hire him to face Cú Chulainn because he's said to be Cú Chulainn's only equal. Cú Chulainn kills him.
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Heterosexual Life-Partners
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_1dfbbf31
comment
Heterosexual Life-Partners: Cú Chulainn and Fer Diad. The former kills the latter by shoving his spear up his anus. Make of that what you will. And, "We were heart companions, We were forest comrades, We were men of one bed..." If they were friends, they were very weird friends.
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 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_222dc873
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Black Comedy
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_222dc873
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Black Comedy: Quite often, particularly anything that involves Cethern.
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 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_23cc7485
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I Want Grandkids
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_23cc7485
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I Want Grandkids: Medb and Ailill use this as an excuse when they start offering their daughter Finnabhair to ANYONE who's able to kill Cú Chulainn for them. Cú Chulainn ensures she dies a virgin.
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Shoot the Shaggy Dog
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_272abb98
comment
Shoot the Shaggy Dog: Medb starts the war because her husband Ailill has a magic bull (Finnbennach), and she doesn't. She practically burns Ulster to the ground and loses hundreds (possibly thousands) of her own soldiers trying to get her hands on Donn Cuailgne, only for Donn Cuailgne and Finnbennach to kill one another, thus rendering Medb and Ailill equal—in their lack of a magic bull.
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 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_2fa6b075
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God Save Us from the Queen!
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_2fa6b075
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God Save Us from the Queen!: Medb.
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Arch-Enemy
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_32da548d
comment
Arch-Enemy: Not only Cú Chulainn and Medb, but the bulls Donn Cúailnge and Finnbhennach. They used to be human and hated each other in their first lives; as bulls, Finnbhennach tried to kill one of Donn's bull-calves, and the moment Medb brought Donn home, they started fighting immediately.
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Older Than Feudalism
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_33cd16fa
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Older Than Feudalism: The events told are supposed to have taken place in Iron Age Ireland, roughly 2000 years ago.
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 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_396e1c2a
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Face Death with Dignity
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_396e1c2a
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Face Death with Dignity: Medb, when Cú Chulainn confronts her after the final battle. May be the real reason he spared her.
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Costume Porn
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_3ec27f76
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Costume Porn: Chapter 17 is very detailed in its description of Cú Chulainn's attire.
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I Am X, Son of Y
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_42002878
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I Am X, Son of Y: Near the start of the story this line pops up: "the High King of Erin himself was my sire, Eocho Fedlech ('the Enduring') son of Finn, by name, who was son of Findoman, son of Finden, son of Findguin, son of Rogen Ruad ('the Red'), son of Rigen, son of Blathacht, son of Beothacht, son of Enna Agnech, son of Oengus Turbech."
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War Is Glorious
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_44cdd259
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War Is Glorious: Cú Chulainn thinks this.
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Improvised Weapon
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Improvised Weapon: Cú Chulainn kills Cur MacDalath by throwing an apple hard enough to go straight through his head
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Friendly Enemy
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_5aa8d3d8
comment
Friendly Enemy: Fergus MacRoach. The one-time king of Ulster and leader of the Ulster Exiles who fight for Medb. He's also Cú Chulainn's foster father, and is the only person in Medb's ranks whom he never raises arms against. Cú Chulainn is likewise on friendly terms with Lugaid mac Nois, even sparing the man's brother during their Combat by Champion out of respect him.
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It's All My Fault
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_5ad80bf8
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It's All My Fault: Upon hearing of the slaughter of the youths of Ulster, Cú Chulainn blames himself, as he thinks he could have saved him if he wasn't recuperating from his wounds at the time, and insists upon avenging them immediately.
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Bull Seeing Red
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_5db075ca
comment
Bull Seeing Red: Donn Cúailnge and Finnbhennach aren't normally bad-tempered, as both are extremely fertile studs with cushy lives, but once they see EACH OTHER, it's going to get messy.
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Names to Run Away from Really Fast
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_60fa92ac
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Names to Run Away from Really Fast : Cú Chulainn, Morrígan, Badb, Nemain, Cethern... lots and lots of this.
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 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_63be4131
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Pretty Boy
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_63be4131
comment
Pretty Boy: Cú Chulainn, often said to be a smooth-faced pretty boy, is described as fitting this trope... Most of the time. Totally subverted with his ríastrad (see Game Face above.)
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Expecting Someone Taller
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_69391768
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Expecting Someone Taller: Several times in regards to Cú Chulainn; in addition to his Bishonen looks, he was noted to be very slight and short for his age.
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Historical Fantasy
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_69e4f7b7
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Historical Fantasy: Possibly. Though set in the pre-Christian Iron Age, it was first written down by Christians in the early Middle Ages. It's anyone's guess how much of it was actual oral history and how much was added by the people who committed it to manuscript.
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My Girl Is a Slut
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_6afefa62
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My Girl Is a Slut: Ailill is well aware of Medb's (often politically motivated) promiscuity and has no problem with it - Medb made it clear from day one that she's "never had one man without another waiting in his shadow," after all.
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Talking in Bed
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_6ccba96b
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Talking in Bed: Medb and Ailill at the beginning.
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Game Face
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_72246a54
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Game Face: Cú Chulainn's ríastrad, variously translated to English as the 'warp-spasm' or 'the Torque'.
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Killer Rabbit
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_74828aea
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Killer Rabbit: At its heart, the Tain Bo Cuailnge is an extended Dread Killer Puppy of Ulster sketch, wherein an entire army gets wrecked by one small-for-his-age teenager, much to their enduring disbelief.
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Remember the New Guy?
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_77b03c0a
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Remember the New Guy?: Fer Diad has never been mentioned before he's introduced as Cú Chulainn's best friend from way back.
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Nonchalant Dodge
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_80288048
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Nonchalant Dodge: Cú Chulainn spends most of his first encounter with Nadcranntail completely ignoring him in favor of catching birds. When Nadcranntail throws nine spears at him, Cú Chulainn just uses them as Stepping Stones in the Sky to continue chasing the birds Nadcranntail had just scared off.
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Conservation of Ninjutsu
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_82f5ced1
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Conservation of Ninjutsu: Justified and defied. Cú Chulainn's massive kill count owed much to his use of guerrilla tactics. Combat by Champion forces him out in the open and, while none of Medb's Elite Mooks have a chance against him, they can wear him down with fatigue and Scratch Damage while limiting the number of people he can kill at one time.
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Badass Boast
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_86b21114
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Badass Boast: EVERYONE does this at one point or another. Medb takes the cake though, claiming (through some creative compounding multiplication) that her army alone numbers some 40 billion-strong.
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WaveMotionSword
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Wave Motion Sword: Fergus's Caladbolg.
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Inspirational Insult
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Inspirational Insult: Laeg's favorite means of aiding Cú Chulainn in a fight is to taunt him from the sidelines.
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Big Bad Duumvirate
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Big Bad Duumvirate: Medb and Ailill, though mostly Medb.
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Do Not Taunt Cthulhu
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comment
Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: When Fergus goes to negotiate with Cú Chulainn, Medb's foster son Etarcomol insists on coming along, which Fergus allows only if Etarcomol can keep his mouth shut and not insult the unstoppable demigod that's been decimating their army. Etarcomol then proceeds to insult the unstoppable demigod. Then he challenges the unstoppable demigod to a duel. Then he insists on continuing after the unstoppable demigod quickly kicks his ass and tells him to scram.
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Whole Episode Flashback
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Whole Episode Flashback: The action stops for some time as Fergus and the other exiles tell their Connacht allies stories of Cú Chulainn's childhood adventures.
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One-Man Army
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One-Man Army: Why did Medb agree to a daily Combat by Champion between her forces and Cú Chulainn when she has a massive advantage in numbers? Because otherwise he'd be killing a hundred of her men a day.
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Karma Houdini
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Karma Houdini: Subverted. Medb manages to beat her enemies, but in the end she is not able to accomplish her goals. See Meaningless Villain Victory below. Even ignoring that, her deplorable actions would alienate her own people severely and earn her enough enemies that it later led to her demise.
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Meaningless Villain Victory
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Meaningless Villain Victory: Medb technically wins. Despite Cú Chulainn's valiant efforts to delay her, not only does her army capture Donn Cuailgne and bring him back to Connacht, she also lays waste to much of Ulster (which she considers a personal bonus). Everything unravels for her in the end, however, when Donn Cuailgne and Finnbennach are placed in the same pen and they they kill one another—meaning the whole táin was all for nothing in the end.
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I Can Still Fight!
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I Can Still Fight!: Cú Chulainn insists on fighting even while heavily injured and going months without sleep. Lugh himself has to show up and knock him out for three days to give him a chance to heal.
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Loophole Abuse
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Loophole Abuse: When a recurrence of an ancient curse sees the men of Ulster bedridden and unable to fight as they suffer from magic-induced birth pangs (...it's a long story... involving a horse...)note In brief, the goddess Macha was forced to race against the king of Ulster's horses while heavily pregnant, and won the race but gave birth to her twins on the finish line; as punishment for the disrespect she was shown and the pain and humiliation she suffered, she cursed the men of Ulster to be overcome with weakness — as weak "as a woman in childbirth" — at the time of their greatest need, and the curse would last for nine generations. the only person able to stand in the kingdom's defense is a teenage boy who was not even born in Ulster.
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Too Dumb to Live
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Too Dumb to Live: Everyone on either side agrees that Etarcomol was incredibly stupid for taunting Cú Chulainn.
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The Ace
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The Ace: Cú Chulainn. He shows shades of being a Broken Ace from time to time, though.
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Treacherous Advisor
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Treacherous Advisor: Fergus does a great deal to undermine Medb and Ailill's raid out of lingering ties to Ulster. Medb's rather aware of this, but doesn't have any better options, and simply tries to minimize his treachery via sex.
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Really Gets Around
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Really Gets Around: Cú Chulainn, despite his intimate friendship with Fer Diad, has a wife, and unintentionally allows the invasion to take Ulster because he's getting his end away with the King of Tara's wife (or her handmaid, according to a monkish emendation to the text), and has numerous female conquests in other stories.
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Let's You and Him Fight
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Let's You and Him Fight: Shortly before the story, the Morrigan bred one of her heifers to Donn and got an exceptional bull-calf from the mating. A few years later, they encountered Finnbhennach, Donn's mortal enemy. The older bull INSTANTLY fought her calf and narrowly won, so the Morrigan (being a Blood Knight) wanted to see what happened when Finnbhennach met his real enemy.
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We Can Rule Together
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We Can Rule Together: After enduring Cú Chulainn's guerrilla-style assault on her men for quite some time, Medb offers to pay for all the ruin she's caused to Ulster, give him all the booze and women he could wish for, and pay him ridiculously well if he simply quits this whole thing and enters service under her. This only pisses Cú Chulainn off more.
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Ass Shove
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Ass Shove: How Cú Chulainn kills Fer Diad.
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Luke, I Am Your Father
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_c83a589c
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Luke, I Am Your Father: Lugh the Long Handed reveals himself as Cú Chulainn's father.
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Impaled with Extreme Prejudice
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Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: The magical spear Gáe Bolga, when prepared in a certain way and thrown with the toes, sprouts countless long barbs upon striking a human target and completely impales them from the inside out. Donn and Finnbhennach fight so hard that Donn eventually impales Finnbhennach on his horns.
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Roaring Rampage of Revenge
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Roaring Rampage of Revenge: Cú Chulainn after the boys are slaughtered.
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If It's You, It's Okay
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If It's You, It's Okay: Cú Chulainn has numerous lady friends, but there's only one Fer Diad.
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Just a Kid
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Just a Kid: Medb's reaction upon first hearing of Cú Chulainn. He often gets this reaction from enemies because he's a seventeen-year-old Pretty Boy with no beard.
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Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep"
 The Cattle Raid of Cooley / int_d7b34c31
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Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": Donn Cuailnge just translates to "(the) Brown Bull of Cuailnge / Cooley."
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Action Girl
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Action Girl: Medb. Though she is the irresponsible, greedy bitch that starts all this off, she gets down and dirty with a spear in the thick of the fighting at several points.
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Battle Epic
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Battle Epic
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Exact Words
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Exact Words: Medb and Ailill have a marital spat, where Ailill tells Medb that her wealth isn't QUITE equal to his, since he has an outstanding magical bull in his herd. Medb, being level-headed and modest, starts raising an army so she can get Ulster's prized bull for her OWN cattle and be equal to her husband. By the end of the story, hundreds of men are dead and the two bulls fight each other to death once they're in the same pen, which means NEITHER of them have a bull anymore and are finally "equal."
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Servile Snarker
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Servile Snarker: Cú Chulainn's charioteer, Laeg, is probably the only person who can give Cú Chulainn lip and not die for it.
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Combat by Champion
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Combat by Champion: Cú Chulainn makes a deal with Medb that he will fight one of her warriors in a duel each day, with her army only allowed to march while the fighting continues. Most of the champions die instantly, causing the army to make little progress.
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War Is Hell
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War Is Hell: Medb demonstrates this.
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Would Hit a Girl
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Would Hit a Girl: Cú Chulainn, with added Gorn. As he's resting, two female bards sing to him that the battle is lost, giving him a Heroic BSoD. When he learns the truth, he grabs them and hits their heads together so hard that their brains spill on the ground. Charming.
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Lady of War
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Lady of War: Medb rarely joins the fighting, but when the fighting comes to her, she knows how to throw down.
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The Cattle Raid of Cooley

The following is a list of statements referring to the current page from other pages.

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